Another Sunday, another question for the ASS Gurus:

This week’s question comes from 
Cowardly in Cincinatti :

Dear Alternate SS Guru,

What are the chances that someone you’ve never met in real life and are rooming with only starting sewing so that they could attack unsuspecting sewing summit guests in their hotel rooms?


Cowardly in Cincinatti

Being the one that lives in the former murder capital of Europe (I believe we’re down to about 3rd now… ;o) )  I took this one.

Dear Cowardly,

We Glaswegians have a great way to greet people we’re not terribly fond of, so I suggest that if, upon first meeting her, you suspect your room-mate of being out to get you, or worse, out to get your stash, then you employ the Glasgow Handshake.  Offer your room-mate your hand, grasp firmly as if to shake it, and headbutt her.  Aim your forehead for her nose, the ensuing blood should distract her long enough for you to clear out, or to steal her room key and shove her out the door.  Ensure you do this far enough away from your stash to avoid blood splatters, stain removal is no joke.

I would also suggest the following precautions – keep a rotary cutter handily under your pillow, ready to spring, ninja like, at your room-mate should you wake up in the night to find her helping herself to that FQ of Mendocino that you fought 5 women for in the swap earlier (only one of whom is still in hospital).  Keep another one, in a plastic bag, in the cistern in the loo, who knows what she might be helping herself to while you’re having a shower, for instance that bundle of Munki Munki that you found in that dark, dusty corner of the third shop on the shop hop…  Obviously I would suggest a model with a retractable blade for the one that goes under your pillow.

Remember, if all else fails, that infinity scarf you made especially for the trip can work very well to either bind or gag her.

Good luck on your venture

Alternate SS Guru